A New Way of Life; A Happier Home

So I figured something out: If I save up my rants for this blog and avoid unleashing them on the Mrs, life is much more pleasant at home. That seems simplistic or obvious, but not if you know me. Big statements, big insults were the key to alleviating my frustrations.

Here's a sample, which conveniently enough, I experienced just the other day:

What I would have said to the Mrs: I hate dogs and I hate their stupid owners. I can't even go for a run in the local neighborhood because people leave their friggin' dogs off their friggin' leashes and they run into the street after me. I was just hoping one would bite me so I could sue them for all their stupidity. What I will write here: I hate dogs and I hate their stupid owners. I can't even go for a run in the local neighborhood because people leave their friggin' dogs off their friggin' leashes and they run into the street after me. I was just hoping one would bite me so I could sue them for all their stupidity.

There's a subtle difference, but you'll have to look for it.

So, Stupid Dog Owner, go out and buy yourself a book before your dog costs you your house.

Special Announcement, Please Read

It has come to my attention that I failed to mention the loss (vocationally speaking) of one of the minions. He went back to school to study kinesiology, and in his honor, I'm posting a picture of a noted Physicist Moses H. W. Chan from PSU for us to bask in his glory and majesty. I feel smarter with every second of looking at his smarmy grin. I'd be bored to tears if I were a Physicist, noted or otherwise, but I can't blame a guy for taking a moment to kneel and reflect on all those who are less intelligent than you. You can even see him looking and saying, "Yeah, you too"

TMI FYI

Near mishap of the day:

"What Would You Say, 'Ya Do Here?'" vs. "Hasenfeffer Incorporated"

"I would say I do about 15 minutes of real actual work a week"

Normally this is me:

But this is me today. It looks fun, but it's chaos. Also, I would be Cindy Williams.

The Art of Losing Control...or, "Pick Me Up" Monday

"One of my best skills is "openness to failure". One of my worst is "damage control immediately following failure". Followed by my next best skill "willingness to follow through post-failure". Maybe it's from all the practice of failing or God given, or both. Either way, I wasn't surprised by the foot in my mouth, just the uncomort of trying to talk my way out of it.

And because of the skillful way I inserted my foot into my mouth last night, here's a highlight reel of people that had it worse than me. Call it a pick me up.

"Science is NEAT! Saturday"

The half drunk bottle of Diet Pepsi Max sitting on my desk can mean only one thing: IT'S....

HOOORAY!! First off) if Ross King were a GI JOE, he'd most certainly be:

Storm Shadow I mean, look at the guy lurking in the shadows...kitanas ready. I've personally seen Ross in that pose 3-4 times in my life....right before he smacked me good with his nunchuks.

Next on the docket) Diet Pepsi Max I'm having 'Nam flash backs right now because of the buzz of caffeine. I'm being completely honest. I needed something because of the early start today. I totally regret the decision.

Heavy Eye lids > Hallucinating that there are bugs under my skin.

Next to my incessant desire to take showers, this fact alone would mean I'd be a terrible hippie.

The last shall be first) I never realized the scientific implications, but Boy Meets World pretty much was a Sci-Fi Show that centered on genetically implanting

into ("Kit" from "Knight Rider") (Mr Feeny, a High School Principal from Philadelphia) They kind of get fuzzy with the explanations, but from what I gathered, Kit likes to garden and has a heart for pubescent boys stuggling to find their place in the world. ok, back to playing my favorite game: Urban Dead

Movie Review Friday!!!!!!

My favorite day of the week, theatrically speaking, is Friday. That is when my favorite movie critic (well, really the only guy that I've consistently read his reviews but 100% agree with every review that he's done, so why should I look elsewhere?), Dave White (movies.com), posts his reviews of the coming attractions of the week. I could attempt to give my perspectives on movies in print form but I'd rather default to the movie expert. I mean, I wouldn't want Dave White doing my banking, right? So I'll spare you my thoughts on films like "Superbad" (awesome) or "Harry Potter ATOOTP" (if you don't know what ATOOTP stands for there's other things we need to discuss..but for the record, it was the best film yet this summer) Dave White's Column for people who are REALLY into movies Here are few gems from this week:

• THE HOTTEST STATE (2007)

Fake Bohemian Richter Scale: If pretentious-college-lit-major-poetry-slam-bohemian-messy-hair-cuz-we-don't-bathe-much were an earthquake, then this movie would make California sink into the ocean.

• ILLEGAL TENDER (2007)

What's the Deal? Some TV movies are too big for TV. They need to have lots of R-rated swears and people being shot in the face and gauzy moments of humpty-hump. And you're thinking, "Well, that's why there's HBO." But see, some TV movies are too big for HBO even. And when I say "big," I mean "stone-cold stupid." And the best review of the week:

• RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR (2007)

Who's in It: Mary McCormack, Rory Cochrane What's the Deal? The "human drama" part is pretty cool, though, because it's about a wife trapped outside the house, and the husband who won't let her in to contaminate him. As metaphors for crap marriages go, that's not a bad one. Who's Good: McCormack, because she spends the whole movie screaming obscenities at Cochrane and clawing at the front door. I know it's wrong to laugh at stuff like this because that's not what the filmmaker intended. But when comedies like I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry are all you can hope for at the multiplex, you take your funny where you find it. What to Do When You Get Bored: Personally, I made a to-do list of emergency preparedness. Like, for example, I realized I don't have....enough canned food, candles, matches or drinking water. Or duct tape to keep McCormack out. Who Should See It: People who hate Los Angeles. People who hate Cochrane. Terrorists short on ideas.

Admiral Akbar's no help

If only Admiral Akbar would have warned me this morning….I would have called in sick P.S. After reminding a few inanimate objects of their place in this world by way of colorful metaphors, I returned to normalcy at work. The email trap that I walked into did it's damage, but the day rolled on fine. Post Post Script: (for those that might need some assistance) Alex Burdine

Ross King, not the gay actor from the UK, the singer/song writer/rapper from Texas

Buy This Album I'm not just being kind to a friend when I say that this album is sure to make some hairs stand on their end and hopefully change your heart, soul and mind while he's at it.

I'm like a candle being dipped

I've been thinking that we're all candles. We all go through different experiences, obviously; but not so obvious is how each experience, even the non-unique ones like passing a drivers liscense test or graduating high school, coats us in a different way. We pick up things and retain things in different ways over the years.

I would suppose to continue with the analogy, we have a choice in some ways as to what we "dip" ourselves in. Some of the candles in the picture are skinny and if lit would melt away quickly. Perhaps this can be viewed as those people (candles) that choose the non-weighty things in life, coasting from easy decision to easy decision.

This might also help us understand:

Matthew 25

The Parable of the Ten Virgins

1"Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. 2Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. 3For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, 4but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. 5As the bridegroom was delayed, they all became drowsy and slept. 6But at midnight there was a cry, 'Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.' 7Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. 8And the foolish said to the wise, 'Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.' 9But the wise answered, saying, 'Since there will not be enough for us and for you, go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves.' 10And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. 11Afterward the other virgins came also, saying, 'Lord, lord, open to us.' 12But he answered, 'Truly, I say to you, I do not know you.' 13Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour

Capitalism Strikes Again

You'll notice in the side bar-----------------------------> (right over here) That i've added some goodies. You can now purchase original content made by ME, the hero of this blog, at cafepress. Right now it's t-shirts, but if I had people tell me that they'd like other things like stickers or hats, I'd do that too. You can even go crazy and donate to my cause, which at this point should be obvious: distract the masses with thought provoking questions and side splitting humor, while the minions do my bidding. (thank you, minions)

When life hands you lemons...make beef stew.

Two things today (which due to technical difficulties is actually yesterday)

These lame haircuts can be seen on the Disney Channel's "Hannah Montana"

Last night I discovered "Hannah Montana". Ok, first let me clarify. I was in the company of my wife and two other people, so please don't take this the wrong way. And I know I’m so I'm like 2 years late, but I'm thinking that's an ok thing at this point; unless I had a kid, a 27 year old knowing the details about a Disney TV show is a little weird. Then again if it's "Even Stevens" or "Boy Meets World" that’s a whole new argument....but I didn't just divulge that I've watched Disney channel for extended periods of time because I like those shows, right?.....right? So Hannah Montana stars Billy Ray Cyrus...yes BILLY RAY CYRUS, and his daughter, "something" Cyrus. I was too captivated by the Billy Ray part to catch her name. She sings and performs as a music star on the show and her dad writes the songs, or at least that was the point of the episode we watched. This all came up because we were hanging at some friends (hi Jenn) and the NFL game was over. (yes, somehow we managed a Giants/Ravens to Hannah Montana transition) I don't know what else to say, other than I'd seen pictures of this girl on advertisements and didn't realize that she wasn't blonde in real life...that's her "stage hair". I’ve officially had my fill of Hannah Montana for a lifetime. The Mrs was staring at me yesterday when I discovered this: Jason Earles who plays Cyrus’ son…turns out to be 29 years old. He must suffer from the same disease as Andy Milonakis. The only complaint (aside from this show not being half as good as the above mentioned Disney shows): the boys all had bad hair. I'm so glad that I graduated when I did. The eighties were horrifying with the big hair and porn ‘staches. The nineties and early “otts” were safe…but apparently, we’re under a new attack of uncut, bad, oily hair. (maybe I’m just jealous…I’ll give you that…but even when I did have hair, I didn’t do anything crazy with it)

The last bit is exactly the pick me up that I needed: (straight from the Legal Clerk who took the phone call)

“A woman calls in on behalf of her brother, who had just been stabbed at a Dunkin Donuts. Apparently her brother received his coffee but it was too cold so he asked for another one. A DD employee decided that instead of giving him a coffee he'd give him a good stab in the stomach. Of course their first thought was, gee, can we sue DD for this?”

I don't have anything to say. I feel bad for the guy, but it's just a funny story.

Tour Boards and Gang Wars

This comes from foxnews.com:

"RICHMOND, Va. — Virginia is still for lovers, but the state's tourism agency will eliminate images of people making heart symbols with their hands in its upcoming advertising campaign because the gesture is also used by a violent street gang.The Virginia is for Lovers "Live Passionately" campaign will remove images of models making the hand gesture, one of several signs associated with the Gangster Disciples, Virginia Tourism Corp. officials said Friday. The gesture shows thumbs and index fingers formed into a heart."

(The Virginia Board of Tourism, redifining the term "Hand Check" since 2007.)

In other news, from Foxsnooze.com*:

The American Red Cross has announced it's canceling their recent ad campaign.

*look for the website this fall...(hint hint)

How to write a movie "pitch"

I didn't post yesterday, so I can totally break my own rules of one post a day. (This is patented, so do whatever with it, I'll sue you and make even more money.) Step 1: Cut a hole in a box (just kidding) Step 2: Pick a random undiscovered yet identifiable hippie non-sport, in my example, frisbee golf. Step 3: Create "average guy" lead character with "average traits" even down to a very average name like "Mike Huckabee" (my example) who otherwise has a normal life, except for the two weeks that the film crew shows up, apparently. This character needs to be played by an otherwise GOOD looking leading actor, who preferably has ties to SNL or a recent indi movie hit. My example: Zach Braff (PLEASE TAKE THE ROLE!!!) Step 4: Think of 3 random unbelieveable stories you've either heard or happened to you and jam them in the somewhere. We'll get to how to connect them to the plot. My examples are as follows: Mike Huckabee's girlfriend is part vietnamese and her grandmother is 100% vietcong. She's always blaming people for stealing her imaginary money, including Mike. One day, Mike is attacked by a knife weilding grandmother. Mike and his buddies go golfing and they unluckily get paired to play with Mr T. They all mess up on purpose not to piss him off. Mike's non-athletic best friend is able to master any sport he puts more than a day into learning. The national competition for frisbee golf comes to Applewood (where they live) and Evan is able to join compete having only thrown a frisbee for a week. Step 5: Connect the dots. Use non-important characters like parents, side kicks, or siblings to string the plot along. The more stereotypes the better. These roles can be filled by just about anyone. It's always safe to put Christopher Walken as the crazy neighbor, for instance. In addition, having a "villian" is essential (see step 6). Examples: Mike has a beautiful girlfriend he's not quite sure about dating, and the grandmother incident makes him see his life flash before him and he knows that he needs Jessi. Mike and his best friend go "real golfing" bump into Mr T, who gives them a life lesson. (This also checks off the throwback actor requirement needed for the movie to be a success) Evan is able to join Mike in the national frisbee competition because of his random skills. He was also able to beat Andy Riddick in a pick up game of Tennis (satisfying the "in young actor" requirement) Step 6: Create conflict between characters Mike and Evan battle head to head in the national competition. Mike battles the super hippies (who own the hippie non-sport of frisbee golf) Mike battles Jaron, the cool college kid who's a little TOO into dave matthews band and Jessi Step 7: End the movie as quickly as possible with no real resolution. Let's be honest, you've accomplished "the funny" and threw in a hottie or two, no need to keep this thing going for too long. That costs $$. Example) Mike wins the national competition, Jessi and he are happy, and Evan picks up a magazine about curling. *gasp* what happens next?!?!?! (sequal, baby) What you have is a beautifully crafted summer blockbuster of a comedy. I promise you've seen this movie before and you'll see this movie again. We're all suckers.

In honor of the day off and death of personal time revisited...

Here is a list of movies that I have not seen yet and so desire to see: Rocket Science Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (seeing with the wife once we finish #4) The Simpsons Movie (rentable) Hot Rod (rentable) Super Bad The Bourne Ultimatum Balls of Fury Live Free or Die Trying Single guys think they have it SO rough...

Appropriate Movie Attendence Apparel..

The minions are having a discussion about the random people that really "get into" a certain movie hype and dress up as characters from the film. The usual suspects: Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Transformers, Pirates of the Carb. Best submission: Snakes on a Plane...one guy dressed as a Snake, the other as a Plane. I hope they kept it G-rated. I guess I'm left wondering, why Armistad or Schindler's List wasn't a fan favorite to "dress up" for... The next big budget movie, regardless of subject, I'm thinking about dressing up in the garb. Civil War movie depicting the plight of two former slaves battling their latent homosexuality and racism? no problem, I've got just the outfit. more later.

Alex Gone Wild

I was inspired to recount one of my favorite stories, so I'll post it here: On layover in IAH on the way to a Ross King gig in PA, (where he's huge, apparently) I struck up a conversation with a nice gentlemen who was returning from Spring break (all 6 weeks of it). He was working for the fine establishment called "Girls gone wild" and in the course of conversation asked me what I did. I responded with "I play guitar and bass for a contemporary Christian artist...you probably heard of him: Ross King" (I added the last part) As we were parting ways, he said, "well (with loads of akward silence), do you want a hat?" I left with hat in hand and my self-esteem intact, sans nudity.

Tyrone Nicholas and the death of personal time.

He must be one popular dude to be on the splash page of blogger. So, I've been a babysitting fiend lately. The Mrs and I have been playing a fun game called "aren't we glad they're not ours." We love the kiddos (6 girls and 1 boy [who is my homie]) but I can't imagine what life would be like if all of Alex's personal time was killed in an instant. Kids and a wife? a beautiful life? AAAAAAH! Seriously, I'll be ready in a few years. Right now, I'm just happy to be screwing up my marriage, let alone screwing up a kid or two. I don't mean to lament the death of personal time. I really have a loose grip on it. It's just an odd feeling. We talked about it in pre-marital counseling (pre-marriage folk should 100% do this), however, I don't think I was fully aware of it. The positives are obvious: A hot girl hanging out with me all the time, making dinner, making my lunch, great conversations, more time to just sit and think, consistant exercise (mostly), and a much more mellow time in general. The negatives are really just that I don't sit around and "loaf". My gaming, movie watching, and hanging out with guys while I'm either gaming or watching movies has declined dramatically. So really that's a positive...but anyone who's a guy will understand. I'm running tonight and the "loafing"...she's busy tonight. What can I say, I still have a little free time left. by the way, I'm pretty sure just found the title for my new album.

We all need a little:

I'm just trying to catch up today. I did get the ok to proceed with the job transition. We shall see where that goes. Life could get different in the not so distant future. What is a mentor? What does mentorship look like? How does it start? Those are the questions I've been wrestling through lately. Currently reading: Jeremiah

Lead where I am...

I just got back from: I attended this conference on Thursday and Friday with roughtly 10 other members of my church and approximately 200 other people from the Valley. My mind was blown by a Harvard Professor, my heart was touched by two Pastors and their gifts of inspirational and at times expositional teaching, and my conscience was tweaked by a man finding his faith but not waiting around to "figure things out" while raising millions of dollars to fight world poverty. I'm going to try to blog my thoughts about each speaker and how they affected me, because each speaker truly brought something different to the table. On top of this, the last two nights were amazing fellowship times in community with Nate on Thursday (not to mention the softball game) and Dave and Alyssa on Friday. Thank you God. The orchestration of all of this is could not be stars alligning or meer coincidence. God, you are clear and present in my life.

Transitions?

There have been some interesting options arising lately. One specifically, that would include hourly changes. That would be awesome. I'm forced to think about my ability to interact with people. I am either incredibly withdrawn or unabashedly the center of attention. The digs would require the latter time and time again. I believe this could help me be incredibily interested in people and their stories. I want to be reminded why I like people. Branch life can be draining. The constant questions and on the spot decision making, subjective or otherwise. The complaints, the head aches, the late nights. The people can be great, however. I've met some unique and pleasant people over the months at the branch. And I love the minions. They really make things fun. We shall see, as they say.

Nothing spells refreshment like...

grab one today.

Favorite "Avatar"

thanks, nuke.

Fun at Work

Ok, so I'm not the king of comedy (as REM would sing) nor am I the king of grammar, however, I am the king of pointing out other people's mistakes. The following are emails received in my inbox and therefore free to be ridiculed mercilessly. Email #1

Sorry it got realy busy here and I, Michael ***** was the only teller her. I have only been her two months and put in charge of everything. And to top it off the secutiry man was her putting me on the system so I could look the bank at 4pm. That was messed up!

I thought about highlighting the mistakes, but it's funnier for you to play the game yourself. Email #2

subject: HUGE REQUEST from Accounts Pagable TO ALL THOSE PERSONS SENDING INVOICES AND REIMBURSEMENT FORMS TO ACCOUNTS PAYABLE: PLEASE DO NOT STABLE YOUR DOCUMENTS AND RECEIPTS TOGETHER, ATTACH USING PAPER CLIPS. ALL INVOICES AND PAYMENT REQUESTS ARE PROCESSED THROUGH A DOCUMENT SCANNER. IF PAPERS ARE ATTACHED BY STAPLE IT CAUSED UNDUE TIME AND EFFORT IN THE SCANNING PROCESS. THANKS FOR YOU CONSIDERATION IN MAKING OUR JOB A LITTLE EASIER AND QUICKER.

Thank you for making all of our days brighter...and dumber.

One more for the road...

Don't smother your kids

breathe, Alex....breathe

Yesterday's Omission

You might get a double dose today...we'll see. Here are a few things I like right now, at this point: "Cross Country" by Robert Sullivan "The Book of Mark" by Mark and God "Weak Christian Blog" by Jim Powell (see the friends section) "Alive in the Glory of Love" by Say Anything (despite Annie's displeasure) My new house Toy Shows tomorrow morning see you in a few hours.

O-pining for the Moon

While work is going well, Honestly it couldn't be easier, the hours are starting to pay their toll. I've gotta work something out for next month's schedule. 3+ nights a week until 7pm is brutal. Today was a productive day. I saved up all work I needed to do over a week and managed to fill a few hours. Kidding. I did get a lot of work done today. Emotionally and physically tired. I need fellowship. This is more like "dear diary" than I intended. Not that anyone is listening.... (dedicated to the emo kids)